Sad TV Adverts
by Kate/a51


Sad Enough to Watch The Adverts on British TV? Yep, I am too: 

We've all sat through and watched some adverts in between 
programmes before, usually, most of us don't even pay full 
attention to them. Fortunately, there is somebody sad enough 
to sit in front of the TV and analyse a set of ads for the 
purpose of writing yet another useless article for Grapevine. 
That somebody of course, is my 'good' self. 

It really amazed me seeing how many adverts here on UK television 
actually have a hidden meaning. If you look that little bit deeper, 
you can find out what the advertisers are REALLY trying to say to 
you. Subliminal? Maybe, but probably just more sneaky. So, as a 
service to all of our readers, I would like to talk you through 
each advert and exclusively, here in GV, explain what each advert 
is really about. 

Let's start with good ol' Werthers Original Toffee's- Have you 
ever noticed that nobody ever buys these toffees? Well, at least 
you don't see anybody actually eating them. Why? Well, take a look 
at the advert. It is always centred on Grandad's. So, if we take a 
look through Werther's surreptitious advertising, could it be telling 
us that no young or even middle aged person would consider buying such 
crap sweets? This would of course mean that the target market is 
limited to 65 year olds+. Werther's are actually telling us that 
they KNOW nobody in their right mind would actually buy their 
product unless they were of pensionable age. That is no big deal 
in itself, but let's look at what my investigations actually 
uncovered... They have another rather furtive plan at work. Have 
you noticed how the 5 year old boy eats a Werther's toffee then 
moments later, he IS the Grandad? This could well be implying that 
the aging process is increased as a result of eating their sweets. 
Furthermore, the reason you don't actually see anybody eating the 
sweets is that they age so rapidly, they usually find themselves 
dead 5 or 10 minutes after eating a bag of them. So we at GV can 
kindly and exclusively, reveal that Werthers clandestine plan is 
to turn the nation into a bunch of old age, piss stinking toffee 
sucking err, toffee eaters. So, did anybody else spot the hidden 
plan within Werthers ads? If you did, then well done. 

SAGA- Saga is a motor insurance company that also has an extremely 
clandestine plan. Rumour has it that Saga has a deal with Werthers. 
Why? What would a car insurance company for old drivers have in 
common with a toffee producing company? Well, the link comes once
again, in age. Werther's, having already conned people into eating 
their age-promoting toffee's and having a nation of old gits have 
passed on a huge market to Saga. But the beauty of it is, that once
a Werthers original toffee eater has eaten a toffee, aged to like 
72 years old for example, in shock that person would immediately 
think to themselves "HEY! I can get cheaper car insurance now that 
I'm an old bastard, waheeey!!". Then, they promptly get on the 
phone to Saga, get their cheap insurance. Then, just minutes after 
putting the phone down, the old git dies. At the suddenly accelerated 
age of 103 of course. So Saga never risk having to pay a penny out 
for claims. Making them an absolute fortune. 

Another scam... outed. 

Domino's Pizza- Well, this one is more commonly sussed, but I thought 
it still warranted mention here. As you will all no doubt know, 
Domino's utilise the services of the infamous Homer J Simpson. 
Who is, as we all know. Fat and stupid. Hence, buying Domino's 
pizza's, will in good time, make you fat. Stupid. 

Learn Direct- You have probably heard of this company. But just 
incase you haven't, I'll briefly mention that they deal with 
courses like computing, mathematics, English etc. So they seem 
like a handy company don't they? Well, they are but probably not 
in the way it may first seem. Read between the lines and you see 
the courses they are offering are total shite. They're so basic 
that even your pet gerbil would manage to gain a qualification 
from them. This also means that they are not of any real academic 
use either. So what can you really gain from them? Well, Learn 
Direct make a great temporary substitute to smoking pot. Why? Well, 
pot has no real use, it makes you feel better, even when you're not, 
it hides the truth of daily shit from your mind. So what of Learn 
Direct? Well, they too hide the shit reality of life, the reality
being, that the person taking the course is a thick, skint lamer. 
After completing the course the person would temporarily feel 
better, but the reality remains despite. They're still thick 
bastards like they were pre-LearnDirect. They just have the honour 
of wasting money on useless shit. More in common with pot than you 
thought huh? 

Citroen Picasso- Possibly the most honest of the ads discussed so 
far. We must have all seen this advert as it is broadcast across 
Europe too. The one with the robot arms in the production factory 
spraying the word "picasso" on the sides of the car/mpv, or whatever 
you class the ugly thing as. There is part truth in those ads, there 
are indeed words scribbled on the side of each picasso, these words 
form the undercoating of the car/mpv (*delete as appropriate). Only 
they don't come from robots. No no no no. No, these days, cheap 
labour is paramount. Robot arms need enormous investment and require 
expensive maintenance. 

What happens is this- 

Cheap child labour is used in several third world countries, such 
as Wales, in which young children are handed out crayons and 
instructed to scrawl various words on the side of each Picasso. 
The Picasso's are then shipped over to "real" countries like Norway 
and are given their second proper spray coating. 

Afterwards, the Picasso's are sold to unwitting customers. Proof of 
this scam has been found when after the usual year or so of impending
rust synonymous with most Citroen vehicles, punters find some crayoned 
words underneath. Words such as "Mummy and Daddy", "Fireman Sam", even 
"Ivor the engine", "yacky daaah" "Dipsy" and "La-la" have been found 
scrawled across the picasso's body. Alarming huh? 

Anway, I think I've screwed up enough companies for this issue. I 
would like to ask readers to submit any advertisers names which you 
would like featured in next issue's list, so that I can reveal their 
true fiendish intentions to you all. If we at Grapevine choose your 
suggested advertiser to write about, then you will find yourself in 
the prize draw to win a free bag of Werthers Original. Also includes 
20% off car insurance with Saga. 


Wordz: Kate/a51. 
Pictures: Nobody cuz there are none. Dumbass.